New Blog.

So I've decided to get back into blogging.
But I don't want to be reminded

of the stuff I have posted in the past
so I'm making a new blog for the 100th time.
You can follow if you want.
=]
http://marleemattie.blogspot.com/

So true.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)

This is why I believe you have many numerous soul mates, not just one.

Hungover you.

I drove to town at 10pm last night singing:

What you got boy is hard to find;;
I think about it, all the time::
I'm all strung out,
my heart is fried;;
I just can't get you off my mind.
I don't sing,
EVER!

I sat on his bed and cried
while he was in the shower this morning
listening to this:
And now the party's over,
And everybody's gone
I'm left here with myself and I wonder what went wrong
And now my heart is broken
Like the bottles on the floor
Does it really matter?
Or am I just hung over you?

Hanging out still is going to be too hard.
I've never fallen for someone so hard

in such a short amount of time

in my entire life.

Even my dirty laundry
Everything just smells like you (like you)
And now my head is throbbing
Every song is out of tune
Just like you

In the dark I can't fight it til it disapears
But in the daylight
I taste you in my tears

Can i just get a break?
please.
Can i just be happy
that's all I want.
It's all I've ever wanted.
It's all I'll ever want.

Please let there be a chance for this.
I can't let this go.
=[

-Mar

This Boy.

What you got boy,

is hard to find;;

I think about it all the time;;

I'm all string out, my heart is fried;;

I just can't get you off my mind!
My status is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crack-head.

Time is running out.

Cause when it's going good.. Its going great
But when it's bad.. It's awful
So they say it's best to go your separate ways.

-Mar

CHEW!

Chuck D) One two three four five six seven eight nine

Uhh, it's the ten crack commandments

What, uhh, uhh

Nigga can't tell me nothin bout this coke, uh-huh

Can't tell me nothin bout this crack, this weed

To my hustlin niggaz

Niggaz on the corner I ain't forget you niggaz

My triple beam niggaz, word up

(Chuck D) One two three four five six seven eight nine

TEN

I been in this game for years, it made me a animal

It's rules to this shit, I wrote me a manual

A step by step booklet for you to get

your game on track, not your wig pushed back

Rule nombre uno: never let no one know

how much, dough you hold, cause you know

The cheddar breed jealousy 'specially

if that man fucked up, get your ass stuck up

Number two: never let em know your next move

Don't you know Bad Boys move in silence or violence

Take it from your highness (uh-huh)

I done squeezed mad clips at these cats for they bricks and chips

Number three: never trust no-bo-dy

Your moms'll set that ass up, properly gassed up

Hoodie to mask up, shit, for that fast buck

she be layin in the bushes to light that ass up

Number four: know you heard this before

Never get high, on your own supply

Number five: never sell no crack where you rest at

I don't care if they want a ounce, tell em bounce

Number six: that god damn credit, dead it

You think a crackhead payin you back, shit forget it

Seven: this rule is so underrated

Keep your family and business completely seperated

Money and blood don't mix like two dicks and no bitch

Find yourself in serious shit

Number eight: never keep no weight on you

Them cats that squeeze your guns can hold jobs too

Number nine shoulda been number one to me

If you ain't gettin bags stay the fuck from police (uh-huh)

If niggaz think you snitchin ain't tryin listen

They be sittin in your kitchen, waitin to start hittin

Number ten: a strong word called consignment

Strictly for live men, not for freshmen

If you ain't got the clientele say hell no

Cause they gon want they money rain sleet hail snow

Follow these rules you'll have mad bread to break up

If not, twenty-four years, on the wake up

Slug hit your temple, watch your frame shake up

Caretaker did your makeup, when you pass

Your girl fucked my man Jake up, heard in three weeks

she sniffed a whole half of cake up

Heard she suck a good dick, and can hook a steak up

Gotta go gotta go, more pies to bake up, word up, uhh

Crack king, Frank Blizzard

Uhh

(Chuck D) One two three four five six seven eight nine

Ten

hello world.

Just wanted to pop in and say helloozzz
to my blog.
I'm pretty high. hmmm
I'm at Alex's.
Shound probably do some of my assignments

To fill in on current events;
It's getting closer to the end of the year
I have a bunch of stuff to do by the end of the week
if not before.
I'm going to Halifax to live with Aaron and go to school.
Taking hair design.
Should be good.
Colin Brow is supposed to live with me and Aaron too.
I'm starting to get stressed about finding a nice place.
Oh well.
anyway.

Alex works at needs with me now.
We fight alot at work. =[
Makes me sad.
Anyway, Tat's all I can think of at this point in time.
Have a good day.
=]

-Mar

Step 1: Climb a mountian. Step 2: Jump off.

Our Time Is Running Out♪

All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time

but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind

Now I can't care to worry

I'm feeling so lonely

Breaking apart all this love in my heart
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm feeling pretty down again.
Start seeing my councilor again next week

I'm getting assessed to see if I'm bipolar next week too.
If I'm not I'll be pretty surprised.
Alex quit his job a few weeks ago.
hmmmm.
I can't say much on the subject of Alex and I.
All i can really say is...
We haven't been in a good place lately.
I'm putting all the effort into this as I can
and I'm barely getting anything back

I'ts not fair.
=[

-Mar

Hard to say.

I was listening to this song,
really listening to the lyrics.
it reminded me of someone from my late past.
I highlighted the parts that stand out the most.
Life has taken a huge turn in the past month.
and it's all because of one person.
But I can't help but be okay with it.

The singer finished singing and she's walking out

The singer sheds a tear, her fear of falling out

And it's hard to say how I feel today

For years gone by and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong

It's hard to say I miss you

Since you've been gone, it's not the same

My worries weigh the world, how I used to be

And everything, I'm cold, seems a plague in me

And it's hard to say how I feel today

For years gone by and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong

It's hard to say I miss you

Since you've been gone, it's not the same

It's hard to say I held my tongue

It's hard to say if only

Since you've been gone, it's not the same

Worse than the fear it's the lie you told a thousand times before

Worse than a fear it's the knife

And it's hard to say how I feel today

For years gone by and I cried

It's hard to say that I was wrong

It's hard to say I miss you

Since you've been gone, it's not the same

It's hard to say I held my tongue

It's hard to say if only

Since you've been gone, I'm not the same

It's hard to say (God, it's hard to say)

Since you've been gone,

I'm not the same

Jimmy Sum eat 41 world.

I felt for sure last night

That once we said goodbye

No one else will know these lonely dreams

No one else will know that part of me

I'm still driving away

And I'm sorry every day

I won't always love these selfish things

I won't always live...

Not stopping...

whaaaaat do I think?
Drew's online.
Won't talk to me.
COOAL
i dun curr
fuck you too BUDDEH!

I was supposed to go to Quebec this Sunday
but BREAK AWAY TOURS is fucking dumb.
and they gave my seat away.

So i got reimbursed.

Alex and I are doing,
Not so well.
he thinks I'm lying all the time now.
because of an on going joke between Lloyd and I,

about thongs =/
I'm sure anyone can see how easily this could be taken the wrong way.
I meant nothing by it.
but I suffer for it I guess.

I don't understand;
One minuite he seems okay

then next he's telling me that
"he means nothing to me"
which couldn't
be farther from the truth.
I'm not sure if we'll get through this U.U
as redick' as it is.

I don't want this moment to ever end,
Where everything's nothing without you.
I'd wait here forever just to, to see you smile,
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.

Through it all, I've made my mistakes.
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words.

I want you to know,
With everything I won't let this go.
These words are my heart and soul.
I'll hold on to this moment, you know,
As I bleed my heart out to show,
And I won't let go.

-Mar

This is fine, i guess.

so I came onto this 'new post' page

with the intention of saying

it seems my readers are the enemy.

and just make a whole new blog all together.

perhaps now that I think of it, it would be a good idea.

get all the Kenzie and that out of this blog, even if it's from before

it's still poluting these pages.

I like that my blog get a reaction out of people

i guess?

even if that means making them see how i really feel about them

tha'ts how it should be anyway.

New thing,

New friends of my future,
i'm going to be brutally honest

if you can't handle that it'll save me time

that I would have wasted on being your friend

and then have a messy fight that ends up with us not speaking.
aka what's happening now.

you can put up walls for several reason:

to keep people out,

to see who will care enough to knock them down,

room to grow as a person,
safe from the pain of disappointment

etc etc
Or, you can decide that you can do all these things

with out walls

you can be who you want to be with out the restriction

of other people's opinions.

why care?

why care about anything or what anyone thinks

they don't like you

they might like you now

but they won't like you in a little while.

because of something they them selves did.

unless you are the problem

then. you should be exterminated.

the end.

This is retarded.

I feel like not eating.
for a long time.
what better a time to do such things

then now.

I didn't go to school today.

I was bothered by last night.

Also, I feel as thought I have to start a new blog.
because SOMEONE is going to be reading it

and then telling SOMEONE ELSE.
so this is probably going to be my last post on this blog
about anything deep down that is.
i might post random stupid shit
I don't even know.

I might not even make a new one.

All i can really say right now is

If you're that easily lead,
I don't want you in my life anyway
And I hope one day you look back and hate yourself

because you'll never meet someone like that

for as long as you live.

Break through the bias' of one sided stories.

contact people you would have never spoke to.

you find out a lot about people you thought you knew.
just keep in mind the other side is biased too.

Never have i been so wrong about anyone
In my whole 18 years here.

i have 4 years on my conscience to stand for that.
And I called you the best.
you never asked for that

I suppose that's why you don't even care.
goodbye.

-Mar

This is a good one.

I have been called many things in my life time of which only one I feel is true and that is that my belief in people is childlike. I always see the best in people, believe in their goodness only to have my heart broken when I find out that in fact this is not the case. Time and time again it happens, time and time again my heart is broken, I never learn, I always hope.
There comes a time when reality checks in, when a persons true colours shine through and one see’s them finally for who they really are. People always seem to walk this planet with alterer motives, their selfishness is personified, finding friends, true friends is trial and error.
In this world, as I have said before, you get 3 types of people – there is always three…
The first type are the MMM’s (me me me’s), they are the most common, they are inherently selfish, they do not take the time out of their lives to query whether a friend is ok, they are only interested in what you can give to them.
The second type are the G&T’s (give and takers), they are the ones that can give and take, there is a a medium if you will of give and take.
The third type are the GGG’s (give give giver’s), they are the ones that give all but expect nothing for themselves, they give selflessly and unconditionally.
My theory is that there are more type one people in this mad world which explains why in life you will come across them more on a day to day basis. The second type swings between the first and the third so they are more difficult to categorise but at the end of the day there are fewer of them. Now the third type are a rare species I find, I have only ever known a couple in my life time, sad as it is they are hard to find, but the fact is, when you find them they are like the blossom on a cloudy day.
Think about it, in reality there are no bad people, just people that make you feel more grateful for finding a GGG…

Face it, this is what we're up against.

I tried to be perfect

But nothing was worth it

I don’t believe it makes me real

I thought it’d be easy

But no one believes me

I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul

I’d say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I’m trying to let you know

That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty

My thoughts are so tempting

I don’t know how it got so bad

Sometimes it’s so crazy

That nothing can save me

But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul

I’d say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I’m trying to let you know

That I’m better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect

It just wasn’t worth it

Nothing could ever be so wrong

It’s hard to believe me

It never gets easy

I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul

I’d say all the words that I know

Just to see if it would show

That I’m trying to let you know

That I’m better off on my own

KB friends. < / 3

HIGH AS HAELL

Alex and I are sitting in the same room on two different computers. ~High
this is a conversation that took place on facebook between him and I:

12:20amMarlee
OH HAI
LONG TIME NO C!

12:20amAlex
I NO RIGHT
I burst out laughing
12:21amMarlee
I"M SO HIGH
Continue laughing
12:21amAlex
UR CORNY
ME 3

12:21amMarlee
I"M DYIN

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Pretty irritated at the moment,

despite the fact that i'm tired as hell

and my entire bottom jaw hurts,
i could have worked today
I could be at Needs, right now,
making money, but I'm not.
Do you know why I am not?

because when Ethan called me
to see if i could work today

I made up an excuse.
because despite the fact
that I was not allowed to go to Alex's today
I thought that maybe there was a chance
that he would come over today
and I was a total idiot

for thinking that today would be any different.

By all means it's not his fault at all.
I'm just a fool for thinking that maybe he would.
I get that there's not a whole lot to do at my house

but there's barely a difference between doing nothing at my house

and doing nothing at his.
after you rule out weed of course.

I guess for me it's about spending time with him

no matter what we're doing

and for him, well, it's more then that.
It seems to me that he'd rather be with MaryJane.

I don't mean to be clingy

and I'm not a clingy person

it's not in my character at all
I just wish my boyfriend was comfortable at my house.
and i feel like i'm doing something illegal talking about it

because I'm "making a big deal" out of it

and it seems like

expressing things that bother me is wrong.

We're getting into that stage

when the masks are coming off.
I feel like everything is in slow motion.
I may just go for a sleep.

I'm noticing a trend.
This is how my relationships work.
Boy really likes me.
I'm not really interested.
Boy tries for my hand a second, some times third time.

I decide to give Boy a chance.
I realize:
"Hey, i like this boy"
Boy gets a taste of the intense amount of affection
that i feel for the people that I do care about.
boy gets distant
Boy doesn't like me a lot anymore.
Etc, Etc.
=[

-Mar

My heroin.

The drugs begin to peak

A smile of joy arrives in me

But sedation changes to panic and nausea

And breath starts to shorten

And heartbeats pound softer

You won't try to save me!

You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.

I can forget, the times that I was

Lost and depressed from the awful truth

How do you do it?

You're my heroine!

You won't leave me alone!

Chisel my heart out of stone, I give in every time.

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had

I can forget, the times that I was

Lost and depressed from the awful truth

How do you do it?

You're my heroine!

I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself (myself).

I bet you believe, that I'm better off with you than someone else.

Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes surreal.

But under your covers more torture than pleasure

And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter

Not now or forever will I ever change you

I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.

I can forget, the times that I was

Lost and depressed from the awful truth

How do you do it?

You're my heroine!

I will save myself!

-Silverstein.

Kick her while she's down.

I could feel my heart inside my chest.

Beating harder and harder with every word escaping his mouth
and invading my ears.

Louder,Ticking.

As if it were a bomb about to explode.

-Mar.

This Friday
+
No School
+
Me
+
Alex
+
Joey
+
Ganja
+
Nams
=
Good time
n_n

-Mar.

I guess it's okay I puked the day away.

HELLO BLOG.
long time no…. Post?
Kind of.
Drew and Susan leave in three Hours.
They’re going to Calgary.
Sadness.
Perhaps it’s better this way.
Personals know what I mean by this

Personals being:
My self.

Yes I just said I know what I mean by this.
Whatever.

I have an exam in eight and a half hours.

Goddamn,

Why am I writing this then?

Idk.
I dun curr.
I suppose.

WOW I just read my most recent posts, and they’re so

Depressing.

I’m in an okay mood now

So it’s a complete change of mood,
goddamn.
I’ve made it a priority to adopt Joey as my new fran.

So far it’s going well!
hahaha Joey.
luh Joey
I feel good about Friday.

=D

-Mar

Depression:

1. Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.

2. Psychiatry. a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.

It might be right now

or it might be coming back.

I've been noticing it lurking in my thoughts for the past few days.

Feeling like i'm impossibly unattractive and can't do anything about it,

Remembering that in school I was always the last one picked.

Realizing that my best friend is leaving town for god knows how long.

I am noticing that if I didn't have Alex I'd have no one.

this makes my social situation feel incredibly unstable.

Exams are coming up and this couldn't have come at a worse time.

I'm pretty much sure that I'm going to fail some classes,

then where will I be?

I can't fail anything or I don't graduate.

And if I don't graduate I refuse to come back to school.

So it's between corespondents or waiting two years

then going for my GED.

I gained like five lbs.

I'm absolutely disgusted by that.

I can't even stand to look at pictures of myself.

I can't take this.

It's probably going to fuck me up for next term some how too.

u.u

-Mar

American Dream.

I've gone days without food

I've went weeks without sleep

Keeping this in

I've got cuts I can't close

I've got wounds that won't heal

It's all your fault

I've been shattered and wrecked

My hands covered in blood

Scars on my skin

I forgot how to feel

Now I'm weak with deceit

My skin is paper thin

We get through this

Feeling it, keeping it, holdin' it in

We go through this

Over and over again

I'd go years without tears

In a life with no fear

A life without you

Now I'm breaking my back as

I cover my tracks

My skin is paper thin once again

I love..

Underwear.

and so do those girls apparently =/

I donno.

I just do.

I also love socks.

they keep my feet warm.

who couldn't love something that keeps their feet warm.

Not me...

WTF?

I also love pillows, Lots of pillows,

and duvets.

General floppy pillows and Heavy blankets.

Yeah..

that's what Life's about.

Memmory foam IKEA mattresses,

With 15 floppy pillows
and a zebra skin pattern goose down fill duvet,

on saturday mornings,

in your underwear,
with breakfast your boyfrined brought to you in bed.
Chivalry is not dead.
So he says.

I am Absolutely repulsed...

By my own body.
People tell my that I am skinny;
Alex pretty much worships every square inch of my skin,
But I don't understand why.

When i look at myself
all i see is loose fat

saging from my stomach
and over my pants
and spread out in front of me wehn I sit down.
My thighs are disgusting.

I wish I could jsut take a knife
and cut the fat off.
I'm getting to the point that I'm sickly obsessed with this.

I don't want to be in public

i get irritable

and insecure

I hate it.

To a point I can understnad Anorexics and bulimics.
It's like, you have a choice.
be fat, or die.
I know the feeling.
I'm realizing how out of my mind I sound right now.
Something has to be done.
I can't live like this.

I can't live looking like this.

I can honestly say at this moment in time.

If marfans wasn't a factor
drugs would probably be an option.
D:

-Mar

Old wounds run deep

And I can't seem to stop myself from being suspicious