All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Pretty irritated at the moment,

despite the fact that i'm tired as hell

and my entire bottom jaw hurts,
i could have worked today
I could be at Needs, right now,
making money, but I'm not.
Do you know why I am not?

because when Ethan called me
to see if i could work today

I made up an excuse.
because despite the fact
that I was not allowed to go to Alex's today
I thought that maybe there was a chance
that he would come over today
and I was a total idiot

for thinking that today would be any different.

By all means it's not his fault at all.
I'm just a fool for thinking that maybe he would.
I get that there's not a whole lot to do at my house

but there's barely a difference between doing nothing at my house

and doing nothing at his.
after you rule out weed of course.

I guess for me it's about spending time with him

no matter what we're doing

and for him, well, it's more then that.
It seems to me that he'd rather be with MaryJane.

I don't mean to be clingy

and I'm not a clingy person

it's not in my character at all
I just wish my boyfriend was comfortable at my house.
and i feel like i'm doing something illegal talking about it

because I'm "making a big deal" out of it

and it seems like

expressing things that bother me is wrong.

We're getting into that stage

when the masks are coming off.
I feel like everything is in slow motion.
I may just go for a sleep.

I'm noticing a trend.
This is how my relationships work.
Boy really likes me.
I'm not really interested.
Boy tries for my hand a second, some times third time.

I decide to give Boy a chance.
I realize:
"Hey, i like this boy"
Boy gets a taste of the intense amount of affection
that i feel for the people that I do care about.
boy gets distant
Boy doesn't like me a lot anymore.
Etc, Etc.
=[

-Mar

My heroin.

The drugs begin to peak

A smile of joy arrives in me

But sedation changes to panic and nausea

And breath starts to shorten

And heartbeats pound softer

You won't try to save me!

You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.

I can forget, the times that I was

Lost and depressed from the awful truth

How do you do it?

You're my heroine!

You won't leave me alone!

Chisel my heart out of stone, I give in every time.

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had

I can forget, the times that I was

Lost and depressed from the awful truth

How do you do it?

You're my heroine!

I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself (myself).

I bet you believe, that I'm better off with you than someone else.

Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes surreal.

But under your covers more torture than pleasure

And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter

Not now or forever will I ever change you

I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.

I can forget, the times that I was

Lost and depressed from the awful truth

How do you do it?

You're my heroine!

I will save myself!

-Silverstein.

Kick her while she's down.

I could feel my heart inside my chest.

Beating harder and harder with every word escaping his mouth
and invading my ears.

Louder,Ticking.

As if it were a bomb about to explode.

-Mar.

This Friday
+
No School
+
Me
+
Alex
+
Joey
+
Ganja
+
Nams
=
Good time
n_n

-Mar.

I guess it's okay I puked the day away.

HELLO BLOG.
long time no…. Post?
Kind of.
Drew and Susan leave in three Hours.
They’re going to Calgary.
Sadness.
Perhaps it’s better this way.
Personals know what I mean by this

Personals being:
My self.

Yes I just said I know what I mean by this.
Whatever.

I have an exam in eight and a half hours.

Goddamn,

Why am I writing this then?

Idk.
I dun curr.
I suppose.

WOW I just read my most recent posts, and they’re so

Depressing.

I’m in an okay mood now

So it’s a complete change of mood,
goddamn.
I’ve made it a priority to adopt Joey as my new fran.

So far it’s going well!
hahaha Joey.
luh Joey
I feel good about Friday.

=D

-Mar

Depression:

1. Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.

2. Psychiatry. a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.

It might be right now

or it might be coming back.

I've been noticing it lurking in my thoughts for the past few days.

Feeling like i'm impossibly unattractive and can't do anything about it,

Remembering that in school I was always the last one picked.

Realizing that my best friend is leaving town for god knows how long.

I am noticing that if I didn't have Alex I'd have no one.

this makes my social situation feel incredibly unstable.

Exams are coming up and this couldn't have come at a worse time.

I'm pretty much sure that I'm going to fail some classes,

then where will I be?

I can't fail anything or I don't graduate.

And if I don't graduate I refuse to come back to school.

So it's between corespondents or waiting two years

then going for my GED.

I gained like five lbs.

I'm absolutely disgusted by that.

I can't even stand to look at pictures of myself.

I can't take this.

It's probably going to fuck me up for next term some how too.

u.u

-Mar

American Dream.

I've gone days without food

I've went weeks without sleep

Keeping this in

I've got cuts I can't close

I've got wounds that won't heal

It's all your fault

I've been shattered and wrecked

My hands covered in blood

Scars on my skin

I forgot how to feel

Now I'm weak with deceit

My skin is paper thin

We get through this

Feeling it, keeping it, holdin' it in

We go through this

Over and over again

I'd go years without tears

In a life with no fear

A life without you

Now I'm breaking my back as

I cover my tracks

My skin is paper thin once again

I love..

Underwear.

and so do those girls apparently =/

I donno.

I just do.

I also love socks.

they keep my feet warm.

who couldn't love something that keeps their feet warm.

Not me...

WTF?

I also love pillows, Lots of pillows,

and duvets.

General floppy pillows and Heavy blankets.

Yeah..

that's what Life's about.

Memmory foam IKEA mattresses,

With 15 floppy pillows
and a zebra skin pattern goose down fill duvet,

on saturday mornings,

in your underwear,
with breakfast your boyfrined brought to you in bed.
Chivalry is not dead.
So he says.

I am Absolutely repulsed...

By my own body.
People tell my that I am skinny;
Alex pretty much worships every square inch of my skin,
But I don't understand why.

When i look at myself
all i see is loose fat

saging from my stomach
and over my pants
and spread out in front of me wehn I sit down.
My thighs are disgusting.

I wish I could jsut take a knife
and cut the fat off.
I'm getting to the point that I'm sickly obsessed with this.

I don't want to be in public

i get irritable

and insecure

I hate it.

To a point I can understnad Anorexics and bulimics.
It's like, you have a choice.
be fat, or die.
I know the feeling.
I'm realizing how out of my mind I sound right now.
Something has to be done.
I can't live like this.

I can't live looking like this.

I can honestly say at this moment in time.

If marfans wasn't a factor
drugs would probably be an option.
D:

-Mar

Old wounds run deep

And I can't seem to stop myself from being suspicious